From Our JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2023 Newsletter You’re the reason I look for shapes in the clouds. You’re the reason I wish on shooting stars. You’re the reason my life changed forever. You’re the reason for my deepest pain. You’re the reason my heart is broken. And yet you’re also the reason it is so full. You’re the reason I know that love can survive the distance between heaven & earth. You’re the reason I kept going when all I wanted to do was quit. You’re the reason I still have hope. You were always the reason, my child. Sarah Pennington “You are rooted deep Within my soul. A part of me forever. In the deepest parts Of my heart, There you are.” Luminous Light From Our NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2022 Newsletter THE PATTERN OF YOUR GRIEF IS UNIQUE, SHAPED BY YOUR PARTICULAR RELATIONSHIP, SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES, AND DISTINCTIVE TEMPERAMENT. IGNORE OTHERS’ ATTEMPTS TO TELL YOU HOW TO FEEL OR HOW LONG TO FEEL. GRIEF THERAPY ~ KAREN KATAFIASZ Remain open to the hurt. You may think it easier to suppress the pain or avoid it with distractions and busyness. But eventually your emotions will surface; grief will demand your attention. ~ Karen Katafiasz “You are rooted deep Within my soul. A part of me forever. In the deepest parts Of my heart, There you are.” Luminous Light From Our SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2022 Newsletter “We do not have control over many things in life and death but we do have control over the meaning we give it.” ― Nathalie Himmelrich, Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple From Our MARCH/APRIL 2022 Newsletter As spring approaches, we generally start to look forward to new growth, and renewal. We think of new beginnings. That can prove extremely difficult after the loss of our child. I would like to suggest taking those first difficult steps in memory and honor of those beautiful children we love so dearly. ~author unknown From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. The story says, I Survived Fr. Craig Scott The Compassionate Friends “Grievers use a very simple calendar … Before & After” www.griefdiaries.com From Our JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2022 Newsletter If we choose to Move forward Acknowledging The sorrow and sadness But also the love and laughter Then hope Travels with us grieftoolbox.com Don’t allow others to rush you through your Grief. You have a lifetime to heal and it’s a lifelong journey, travel at your own speed. grieftoolbox.com From Our SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2020 Newsletter Become aware of your feelings and acknowledge them
What those feelings are “today”, sadness, anger, confusion, guilt. Remember it’s easier to do something to address that feeling if you know what you’re feeling
lovingly lifted from Bereaved Parents Support Group The pain is a part of the love. We can't love someone and lose them without feeling pain. Not only do we have a need to feel the pain, we also need to have it witnessed by others, not pushed away.
excerpt from Finding Meaning ~David Kessler From Our JULY/AUGUST 2020 Newsletter
PRACTICE BREATHING IN AND OUT
SOMETIME WHAT WE NEED MOST IS JUST TO “BE”. IN OUR GOAL ORIENTED SOCIETY, MANY OF US HAVE LOST THE KNACK FOR SIMPLY LIVING. JUST “BEING” MAYBE ALL YOU FEEL UP TO RIGHT NOW. THAT’S OKAY.
❥ SIT DOWN,
FOCUS ON SOMETHING 20 - 30 FEET AWAY
AND TAKE 10 DEEP BREATHS From Our May/June 2020 Newsletter Dear Mom, You dreamed of me last night And what I said was true.. I may not be with you here on earth, but I am still with you. You took my hand and asked me if I was truly gone. I smiled at you and said, no Mom, You are not alone. I am always right there with you Through all you pain and grief. My prayer for you each day is To somehow find relief. I know how much you love me Mom and you think of me all the time. Just know that I am okay And I will see You again one day. Remember with each new dawn I am not gone. I love you Mom ~Shirley Tripp Johnson Men Do Cry I heard quite often “men don’t cry” Though no one ever told me why When I fell and skinned a knee No one came to comfort me. And when some bully boy at school Would pull a prank so mean or cruel I”d quickly learn to turn and quip “It doesn’t hurt” and bite my lip. So as I grew to seasoned years I learned to stifle any tears. Though “Be a big boy” it began Quite soon I learned to “Be a man”. And I could play that stoic role While storm and tempest wracked my soul. No pain nor setback could there be Could wrest one single tear from me. Then one long night I stood nearby And helplessly watched my child die And quickly found to my surprise That all that tearless talk was lies. And still I cry and have no shame I cannot play that “big boy” game. And only without remorse I let my sorrow take its course. So those of you who can’t abide A man you’ve seen who’s often cried Reach out to him with all your heart As one whose life’s been torn apart. For men do cry when they can see Their loss of immortality. And tears will come in endless streams When mindless fate destroys their dreams. Ken Falk TCF WN Connecticut Chapter From Our March/April 2020 Newsletter Some Days Are Just More Difficult Remember your Grief Buddy They can prove to be a BIG part of your support system. Someone that you can call when you’re having a particularly tough time. In fact, why not enlist a few Grief Buddies? Write in Your Journal Sometimes putting your thoughts and feelings on paper helps to ease some of the heaviness. Go for a Walk Even a short walk can change your outlook. Even if it’s temporary. I am a griever. That doesn’t mean I have a disease. It means that I miss and love someone who has died. Let me grieve at my own pace. My reality is forever changed. Do not judge me nor feel it is your obligation to tell me to “move on,” or “get over it,” Getting over it is not an option. With time, I will do my best to move forward one step in front of the other. They might be baby steps, but it is better than none at all. When I need you . . . Just be there. Author Unknown From Our January/February 2020 Newsletter Resolutions Every time the holiday season comes to a close, I feel as if I can hear a collective sigh of relief. This year was no different except that the sigh seemed louder and longer than in past years. Some years are like that for us. This one was certainly like that for me. No matter how difficult I thought the holidays would be to get through I was wrong. In some ways they were more difficult and in other ways, surprisingly, they were less difficult. The reality is that you and I, no matter how we anticipated the holidays, did get through them. We did survive the holidays and though it may be difficult for you to believe this now, there is no reason that this new year shouldn’t be better. Which brings me to a favorite topic for this time of year, New Year’s resolutions. Resolutions that I think are most helpful are those that concern our well-being. Above all else, resolve to take better care of yourself. Try to eat right and exercise. Find ways to nurture yourself—both your body and your mind. Remember all things in moderation. Seek advice from others when you need it and above all, ask for help when you need it. You won’t always get the help when you ask for it, but remember, if you don’t ask for it, you surely won’t get it. Another thing you can do to have a happier new year is to become more involved in our chapter of The Compassionate Friends. If you’ve not come to any meetings, or if it’s been a while, give it a try. Commit to attending at least three meetings. If you were to attend only one, you would not necessarily get a very good idea of what our meetings are like. Join us and make your needs known to us. This newsletter is another way you can become more involved in our chapter. Let us know what works for you and what doesn’t. Consider becoming a contributor. Tell us howwe might be able to better serve your needs. Have a happier New Year! Pat Akery TCF, Medford, OR Journaling to Heal Each time I look back over my grief journey, I remember the important role that journaling played in my first and second years of grief. Handwritten entries, some sentences, sometimes just a few words describing my emotions, helped me to define where I was in my daily life. As I review the tear-stained pages, I am reminded of the deep, deep pain and the catharsis of the journal. Whether I was angry, in pain, deeply depressed or just too exhausted to think, I wrote a few words, maybe even a few lines each day. I saw it as my connection to my son. As time progressed, my journaling became writing and eventually I returned to the computer and began forming coherent thoughts and sentences, with subjects and messages to my child, myself and to others. But the process started with the healing of the journal. I learned to be very honest with myself in my journal because I never shared it with anyone. I didn’t put on a mask or rationalize in my journal, as no one else would be reading it. I was completely candid, and I soon recognized my weaknesses, regrets, strengths and successes. Pure honesty and great insight were achieved in my journal’s conversation with myself. Grief therapists recommend journaling to bereaved parents quite frequently. Some people are able to find an outlet for their daily roller coaster of emotions through journaling. Some seek answers and others seek questions. Many parents feel they are connecting with their child through their journal. There are as many reasons to journal as there are types of journals. While journaling may not be for everyone, we encourage each of you to at least attempt it for a week. Give it your best effort. If, as some have found, it offers you nothing and is a chore, not a treasured time, then stop and seek other forms of outlet. But if, as many have found, it offers you a place for your thoughts, your messages, your self-revelation and self-evaluation as well as a refuge from the world, then by all means, continue to journal. Annette Mennen Baldwin In memory of my son, Todd Mennen TCF, Katy, TX We may feel we have nothing to write, or wouldn’t know where to start. Here are a few suggestions to get us started: I’m grieving the loss of …. The most difficult time of day is …. I especially miss …. My favorite memory is …. My support system includes I wish my friends would say or do …. It is hurtful when people …. It is helpful when people ….. The things that help me most right now are …. When I’m alone, I …. I will lean on …. From Our November/December 2019 Newsletter Suggestions For Handling The Holidays It’s Okay to: Do what feels okay Not send cards Not decorate the house, car, desk or work Change old traditions Create new traditions Celebrate another time of year Go away Cry Feel sad Change your mind Not reciprocate on invitations Not cook Go out to eat Have a good time Talk about your child Laugh - TCF Kitsap County, WA From Our September/October 2019 Newsletter WHAT TO DO WITH ANGER Anger is one of the most difficult emotions for me to express. Reared as a “proper" young lady, I was taught that anger was not becoming. Many of the women I have spoken to were similarly taught. I found, however, I did not have the tools to deal with the deep anger that came shortly after the death of my daughter. My anger was spilling over to people who did not deserve it, or I vented excess anger by overreacting to some situations. With the loving care and patience of several people, I developed some tools that helped me to express my anger. Rather than trying to suppress my angry feelings, I learned to release them in constructive ways. Hopefully, some of these coping techniques will be helpful to others. EXERCISE - This is a great way to release anger, plus get into shape! I joined the YMCA, swam twice a week, did "Y's Ways to Fitness" three times a week, and walked three to five miles each day. At first, I was concerned about doing so much exercise because I have a very bad back, so I took it easy and worked my way up to my present routine. I always feel much better after a good workout, and I had the extra benefit of getting out of our home and back into society. After my daughter's death, my life felt so out of control; but as I became more fit, I regained some control. This renewed strength aided in my recovery. Exercise decreases stress levels and aids in controlling depression. Since grief can also make us more vulnerable to physical illness, exercising and taking care of our health is important. Even daily walking is good therapy. WRITING - When the anger bubbled up in me, I would write. Many times I didn't know where to begin, so I just started by writing, "I am angry because. . . “Soon, my thoughts were coming faster than I could write them down. After I had expressed my anger in writing, I often discovered that the sources of my anger were different than I had imagined. It usually sifted down to just being angry about my daughter's death. The technique of writing about your feelings is especially nice because you can just throw away or bum your words and the anger with them. PAINTING - There is nothing like taking bright oils or acrylics and stroking them over an open canvass. I had not painted in over fifteen years, but I went up into the attic and got down the easel, brushes, and paints. I always felt better after a good painting session. Those times were very private for me and no one ever saw my creations, but they were helpful in expressing my anger. TALKING - Sometimes I would call a good friend and just rant and rave. My friend was a very good and non-judgmental listener. She realized that most of what I said in anger I did not mean. She never gave advice or held me to my "anger" statements. She just lovingly listened. This technique calls for a careful choice of friends who can maintain confidentiality and are not afraid of anger. It is even more helpful if the friend has had a similar loss. ENERGY - Convert anger into energy and use that energy to change the world. Angry with the limited support that mothers of children with Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) had in their communities, I converted that anger into action. I joined several nationwide support groups and helped to bring their support into our community. My anger was further converted into energy which I used to raise money for SMA research. I baked over 700 loaves of bread (a lot of anger there!) for a fundraiser. My friends saw my energies and joined in to help. Together, our efforts raised over $6,000 in under six weeks! This kind of energy can be contagious. Reaching out to others can help in healing. If something good can come from our tragedies, it can add meaning to their deaths. EGGS - Yes, eggs! When I just could not resolve my anger with any of the above techniques, I would take a dozen eggs and a black felt-tipped pen and go into the back yard. Writing the reason I was angry on the egg, I threw it at the back fence. At first, I thought this was a little crazy, but after throwing the first egg and watching it shatter, I felt so much better! I always used just one word to describe my anger. It might be: Death, SMA (the disease my daughter died of), Husband, A friend's name, God. No one need know what you write on that egg! Afterward, the birds would have a treat eating the eggs; and listening to their happy noises while having their treat, eased my anger. These are some of the techniques I used to express my anger. It is OK to be angry, and it is important to express, not suppress, anger. Suppressed anger can result in deep depression. Penny A. Blaze New Canaan, CT
|